Monday, June 7, 2010

Roll with it?

When I first sat down to write this blog I fully intended for it to be a full on rant, but now as I am typing I can't seem to find those words. Don't get me wrong I am still irritated by those people who take advantage of others, those who lie to get ahead, those who judge without knowledge of what that person is going through and people who refuse to accept responsibility for their own actions. It just seems pointless to allow myself to get to the point of ranting, even with so much too rant about. 

I feel as though I have more to be happy about. Chloe is getting better and better about doing her chores. She is becoming the big sister I had dreamed she would be and as I weed out the bad influences in her life I am seeing change after change. Trey is doing extremely well, considering all of the obstacles he has had to overcome. It seems no matter what is thrown his way he conquers it with an amazing amount of finesse for a boy of fifteen. Then there is my little peanut, who is still continuing to climb that mountain with very little complaining! 

Me on the other hand, I feel I could take a lesson or two from my babies! They are so good at just letting it all just roll off their backs and believe that tomorrow will be full of promise and rainbows. I miss that carefree, light-hearted approach to life. It seems as we grow older and have more responsibility put onto us that feeling goes away. I want it back! I want to stop worrying constantly about EVERYTHING. I want to be able to smile and say screw it when someone is hurtful and disappointing. How do I get back there? I have reached out to my more laid back family and friends and they all say to just roll with it. Forget about it and move on. Then I remember none of them have a family, people that count on you making the right choice. 

It's very hard for me to watch people lie, connive, blame others for their mistakes and in general just continue to be selfish. I don't understand those behaviors and my personality isn't the kind to just let people trample over me and those I love. To put it nicely I can be very up-front, why beat around the bush has been my recent philosophy. I don't have time to play the games. Between insurance billing, doctor appointments for three kids, keeping track of  Addison's prescriptions, wrestling for Trey, cleaning house, summer reading club, March of Dimes and trying to raise awareness for CMV, my plate is full! I don't want to be nice sometimes, I want to scream and say, "What the F**K is your problem!!! Grow up!" 

Yesterday I sat on my front porch smoking a cigarette, watching it rain. I wanted so badly to run naked into the rain, dancing. I sat for a few minutes talking to myself, giving all the reasons I shouldn't do it. I didn't listen to myself, instead I took my glasses and little pink slippers off and rain into the rain, clothes and all! It felt great to "wash" it all away. I think it needs to rain more and that I need a house surrounded by trees so I can do it nude next time! :) 

"Even when the rain falls, even when the flood starts rising, even when the storm comes, I am washed by the water!" Need to Breathe